Freedom

Moorland heather, sheep and grouse; Seagulls and the sound of waves crashing against the rocks. Wind in the trees and the smell of fresh cut hay. Things of value with no need of a price tag; time spent with friends without saying a word, a look - a glance and a knowing. I know these things are important to me and I am sure they are to you but where does it come from, how do we learn (its as if it has always been there). Coming down from the moorland towards the sea, it was quite early one morning and there before me in the rising sun; a large expanse of sand, the light shimmering across where the tide has just been. A solitary figure out in the middle of it all consumed in the art of Tai Chi. There was something quite beautiful about the movement, but it was more than that. An unexpected sight, but it was more than that. Poetry - a friend of mine says, dance like no-one is watching; now we are getting close. This person must have a sense of freedom and peace, to be able to be in full view of the world (taking it all in) yet be solitary and focused in the movement and process of the art. Oh boy, I wish I could do that! That is what it was, I would love to experience that, but dare I?

Occasionally at the friary we have a group of visitors that join us for evening service, sometimes this number is such that the singing really lifts the roof. You could not say I have a good voice; two brothers and I when walking one day and decided to break into song, we caused a small stampede of cows in an adjacent field. So when everyone is in full flood, I feel safe to let go and it does feel good. It feels like my worship is coming from me and God and I don't care what it sounds like, I am wearing a different set of ears. It is as if it is being drawn from me rather than being pushed out.

I am free to choose my friends, free to come and go, free to have my opinions and if I wish, say so.
The open spaces, the wind and the birds all cry out freedom; why then do I feel tied, bound and gagged.
The weight is heavy, the pressure is great, surely it will take a huge effort to release me. I am feeling empty when I know I have the capacity to be overflowing, I know as far as I am able that I am loved without condition.
Note to evening office: break the chains, loose the ropes. Be all you are created to be (in His love).

Window gazing

Early hours here at the friary and my body is saying sleep yet my head is buzzing with all sorts of junk (bit like satellites orbiting our world). The cat is on the prowl and has been in to let me know, he has a habit of stretching out and digging his claws into me, guess I'll go down and put some biscuit in his bowl. The weather is very calm tonight and I can see clouds brewing, the wind has shifted slightly and I would not be surprised to see more heavy rain. Feel this is going to be a short note at least to pass on my latest news. I have managed to start a "Blog" (with a little help from brother Micheal).


What is a Blog? I guess it is a website of sorts / a journal of writings / pictures / links to others and you get to leave comments if you wish. So I have backed up my blithering so far and included some of my photo's. I guess the next thing to consider is; do I continue sending emails or would you prefer to look at the blogspot occasionally? This got me thinking about relationships and how they tend to fade when your not around each other. I went to a family function recently and cousins, nephews and nieces were all saying, why do we have to wait for weddings and funerals to see each other; we should meet at least twice a year for no reason at all. Then we leave - until next time. Awaiting your feedback on the question mark...

Windows are interesting things and I often find myself taking photo's through windows; looking at the view, but limiting it by the window frame. You can change the view depending where you stand or, crouch down to see only sky. The closer you stand to the window the more you see. Life experiences affect us in different ways, sometimes we retreat back from the window perhaps so we can't be seen or that we can't deal (at present) with what life is throwing at us. Other times we are right there up front and taking in all the richness of life and the window is no longer part of the picture. But the window does exist and it's ok to pull back, take stock. Mmm, worth a little more thought on that one, must go an feed that cat.
Note to evening office: remember to draw the blinds, sun wakes me up too early these mornings.

19 July

Brother Cyril, you do the strangest things.

Breakfast time at the friary varies depending on how many of us are around; this particular morning we were all together. Mrs Johnson had brought some fresh eggs (local eggs from the village). I do like a boiled egg and soldiers, which is where Cyril came in “Atenn-shunn”! There on the table next to my two-boiled eggs were a dozen plastic soldiers, Cyril chuckling behind his newspaper. What could I say; I don’t even want to guess where he got the soldiers. Thought you would like that he said; oh yes; I did (you do the strangest things).

I have been up to my eyes in shavings recently and missed my time at the keyboard, whether you have missed me or not, I am sorry (for us both). You see I have been busy learning new skills and techniques, terminology and other words that could also have ended in ology. To fashion a piece of wood, chisel to shape; to draw out a vision, to smooth and polish lifting the colour and grain (encouraging something to the surface).
Learning the skill of the tools, finding the wood that is ready; but how do you know when you have finished? I forgot to ask my teacher that one!

Life at the moment seems almost boringly busy (does that make sense)? I am so busy that I can’t get anything done. I decided to make a list and ran out of paper and then thought I could have at least done two jobs instead of doing the list. Is this an age thing? I hope so; the alternatives don’t look good. Mother Teresa always said, when things get really busy we must find more time to pray. I do believe that it is important to find specific time for self and God, self & self and others. Trying to hold some balance, if I am not tending to my own time with self I will feel cheated and angry in other areas, lacking in motivation and not very effective (this is beginning to sound familiar). We have talked about time out before, there is veg-out, which is not very productive, a bit like having a great big meal; enjoyable but I didn’t really need it. Quality time-out with self must be like taking yourself to the sauna, tending to the joints that ache. When did I last have an overhaul? I listen to the knocking noise in the car but I don’t often listen to my groans and pops!
Note to diary: Book some time in for self and not as part of evening office.
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8 July

Measuring Growth

Late again, thanks for being patient. The weekend took me away (as it were) and I found myself staying only an hour or so from the friary. Yes it was good to be away, if only for a short while. The humble abode (a haven of rest) was a small timber based structure close to river and woodland and I was able to take in some of the scenery. Around 8.30pm I was treated to the sight of four curlews screeching and soaring; Wow! what a feeling , curlews have to be a special favorite of mine and to see four was just amazing.

On to something more basic, the bathroom in this small habitat brought back memories from over 50-years; the smell was just like that of my Aunt Agnes's bathroom, I sometimes stayed with her when I was a child. Perhaps it was the wooden structure, you see Agnes and Bill lived in (what used to be) a WWII hut converted into a very nice bungalow. Tongue and groove wood paneling throughout the house, in fact I remember with my index fingers I could touch both walls of the long passage that ran from the kitchen to the lounge. It made a great sound as I ran from one end to the other (we darn't do it when Aunt Agnes was about). How strange how our senses can transport us back so quickly.

Back at the friary a little mopping up was in order as the continuous rain found its way through our old roof, Jim the local handy man is on his way, or so his wife keeps telling us. He does a good job and will be worth the wait and the forecast is a little better.

It will be five years since we planted the silver birch as a small sapling; I have watched its growth from the kitchen window. From my line of sight it was easy to plot its progress against fences and a building just across from us. It has now (by my line of sight) reached the roof top. There is nothing now to compare the hight of the tree or monitor its growth, what am I going to do? How important was it for me to monitor its growth so far? It didn't help the tree one bit, it managed quite well without me and I am sure it will go on long after I am gone. Children grow up fast, from crawling to toddling - walking to running and before long you are talking face to face. I remember a silver birch in our garden many years ago, this one was good for climbing and I managed to get a rope over one of its branches to make a swing. I got to know the silver birch, the leaves were a delicate shade of green and the bark seemed to be wrapped around the trunk and splitting, curling off, silver. From curlews to silver birches and aunt Agnes's wooden bungalow, just some of my favourite memories.
Note to memo pad: - Not to measure growth, but to appreciate it.

1 July

Time out

Late evening at the priory and once again all is at peace; the weekend has been little different than any other, busy with visitors, a couple of trips into town and a game of chess with brother Cyril. I have been helping out in the library this week and ended up feeling depressed. The number of books I have come across that I have meant to read and never got round to, if that wasn't bad enough I then punished myself by saying - when are you going to read them? Time, there is never enough. Have you seen the new advert for Internet on your mobile phone? The song is "April showers" and it is raining clocks (at least clock components / springs and cogs) as if buying this mobile phone gives you power over time; very clever, the advert seems in slow motion too. This must be one of our greatest desires, to control time or at least rewind or stop for a while (to hold the pendulum).

There was a little boy on the beach with his father and it was the time of year when the tide goes far out. "Where is the sea Dad"? asks the boy, "it's out at the moment" replies the father "but it will be back in a while". Always with one more question, "Dad, why has the sea gone out"? the father thought for a moment and said "so it could come back, unless something goes, how can it come back again"? "Can I have an ice cream Dad"?

Amidst a busy life, demands on time, commitments and self-expectations; unless we go out - how can we come back again. Like the tide, we need to go out and view things from a different angle - we need to be in a different place. There is a rhythm to the tide as there is a rhythm to our breathing, to the ticking of a clock, to a heartbeat. It should be no surprise to us that we Build in - Time out. But we don't (or at least I don't as much as I should).
Memo to busy notepad, leave a page blank, find a space each day - someone else may want to write on it.

I must apologise for the email about Age; I have had some comments back about the guy who wrote it and looking at his web site he is a little on the strange side, not for Sunday afternoon reading. Fr Alan in New Zealand sent me that one (in future I must check them out before I send them on). I sometimes worry about my age, this week I have found myself talking to the cat. The library door has been open most of the time while I was working and of course the cat found its way to the cosy chair. Mutterings of disapproval finding many books out of sequence and reciting some of Wordsworth's poetry (couldn't resist) I think he enjoyed it! Well its a clear night tonight and very little breeze, I guess this time of day for me is my time out. I need to value it and maximise its benefits. I'm just remembering, last year we had a couple of owls but I have not heard them at all this year, I wonder what has became of them?

24 June

Weather forecast

Perhaps it's the change in the weather, but things have felt different around the friary of late. Now I know it may be the holiday blues, having not been back that long and now brother Timothy has the photos printed he is buzzing about it all and is planning his next trip.
We have noted a few points on the guttering that need attention and a whole strip near the back door looks like its need of replacing and when the wind and rain really drives in from the north we get leaks in the garage where the extension meets the old part of the building. What a dull start to my weekly dialogue and how easily we reflect the weather.

I feel like Eyore from the story of Hundred acre wood (all doom and gloom), I need to go and find Poo bear who always has something positive to say. Don't think I could cope with either Tigger or Rabbit they are seriously off the scale (though they do make me laugh). So who is your little ray of sunshine when the clouds are gathering? some words of wisdom from Poo maybe all that is needed. I have a small friend who is larger than life itself and if I told you he has spiky hair, you would be assuming all the wrong things. He's not a punk or a chav (though I do see him in hoodies) he is creative but not a hippy and I have never seen him high on anything but life. You know, just thinking of him lifts my spirits; cheers Buddy!

The rain has eased of and the birds seem louder than ever, I have a small window open and can hear them down the garden towards the orchard and across to a nearby farm, a few cars in the distance merge into the background. Trying to pick out the individual birds, blackbirds are easy, some finches and we have a song thrush. They call to each other and seem to take turns, the overall effect is just amazing - I reach for my Ipod and then change my mind. Oh yes, brother David now has an Ipod with songs from Simon & Garfunkel to Madame Butterfly, I swapped the whiter headphones for less conspicuous ones to hide under my habit. Perhaps I will record some of the bird song from the orchard.

I guess I could describe my self at the moment as a little changeable (like the weather), from tranquil times to some of great stress and concern and most of the time its all about fitting in with others. This monastic lark is great, I first thought about solitude and long periods of contemplation, working in the garden, reading and contributing to some literary work.
I imagined the life of a hermit - and then they thrust us into community (great)! But really, it is not all gloom. There are many of us on the same journey and some of us get to travel on the same bus for a while (others get on and off at different stages).
Note to memo pad: Must get off and see Buddy next week.

17 June

Value - Friends

Brother Cyril and I seem to have been in and out of each others company a lot recently, there was an event that we were all invited to and parties are not quite my thing; so I stuck with Br Cyril and whiled away the time. Thinking about this afterwards, I was using poor Cyril as a hiding place to avoid the chatter. I do get a little awkward when people greet me and I am desperately trying to remember their names - who they are and where I last met them. I have frequently been corrected e.g. "No, that will be Mary, she was a Jones before she was married and her sister is Anne". Of course a couple of glasses of wine numbs the brain and tends to make things worse. Cyril however smiles and chats away about all and sundry, folk tend to flow with him and laugh a lot. Many years ago Cyril would be regarded as the fool, so why is it that I now feel the foolish one? Being in Cyril's company was a blessing, I probably met more people and learned a little more as I was able to listen while others were chatting, nodding in what I hoped were the right places. Cyril nodded off in the car on the way home, Michael was driving of course enabling the rest of us to enjoy a drink - a most enjoyable evening, but I was glad to be back in my own room.

A dear friend of mine called to see me the other day and we went for a walk. She shared how things were getting too much at work and this was affecting her relationships, friends and family. As so often when these situations are shared, we feel the pain and suffering that they are going through - we feel helpless because in reality, what can we do. To say I will pray for you is indeed helpful but I need to Do something that Will make a difference - yet I am at a loss. But you know there is something that can make a tremendous difference I thought. To Value this person, to Appreciate and enable them to feel special. Approve of them and encourage them and to be there at times when they least expect.

Time is getting on and the rest of the friary is in darkness, I did hear someone in the kitchen earlier clattering around. I think I will take a hot drink up with me. It is around this time I go through many mental checks, has someone put the cat out or is he curled up in the library (there is a soft armchair he quite likes) - is everything set out in the chapel for morning and who is on breakfast duty (if it had been me, Michael would have reminded me earlier). I do like this time of night, when everyone else is in bed and settled - then I can settle my head and take my rest.
Memo to notepad - Call my friend and find something to say to make her feel special.