Foundational archive

I am inspired by Dana's blog (Awareness) this morning and ponder on her term foundational archive. Similar thoughts were already swimming in my mind even before I read her wonderful piece, about the silver link between our senses and memories; being sparked by sights, sounds or smells and transported back to a memory.

The memories that made a difference, if I were to group them together, would almost certainly be about family and those close who were "always there". Uncles, great aunts, friends of our family that I grew up alongside; there was a knowledge that much of what happened had a purpose and was dependable. When things went a little off balance, there was a root to hold onto a branch to shelter under, something to climb and see things from a different place. So many people are already flooding back into my mind, times and places of togetherness, happy events; but even the sad times, there is peace.

How do we teach this to our young generation? Have we lost the skills or the will to share these moments, to build foundational archives for generations to come. It seems to me that there has been such a gap in time when this way of living has been left to one side, we can blame the technological age, materialism or pressure of work; it still comes down to us. I also believe that the giving of self in this way, being there for those around us, provides us with a vitamin that cannot be purchased over a counter; a different kind of energy that you will not find in a gym. So remember those times, value and treasure them; it is our turn to be those people.

Family - friends

A recent funeral and gathering of family, it is noticeable how the uncles and aunts are greatly out-numbered by the cousins; meeting cousins I had not seen in 20 plus years was staggering. Familiar faces that I struggle to see the child I remember, but then as the conversation takes hold and we recapture the old stories of holidays and expeditions, it all comes back (well, most of it).

Ken who we used to live next door to us in Middlesbrough over 47-years ago, we moved away when I was only 8 and I am sure I have not seen him since.

I can't quite get over Andrew and how alike he is to our paternal grand father, even following his footsteps in joinery. I sincerely hope we can keep in touch, though I know my weakness in this area.

We deal very well with things close up but once in the distance they seem unreachable; cousins from all corners of the UK, Jamaica and a man made floating island just off the coast of Mexico "Joyskey" - Rishi and I had a great chat about past and future.

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Friends far off

I spoke to a good friend recently, who now lives far off. He was telling about the area, things he had done, we laughed, talked and shared our thoughts. "When are you coming to see us" he asked; "I have so much to show you".

Remembering when I was a boy and cousins would come to visit. I would watch excitedly at the bedroom window, counting the cars till they arrived. Out would come the toys and we would run around; I would show them secret hiding places and we would tell stories of our adventures. The table would be spread, and around five of us would squeeze onto the long stool.

Note to morning office: How excited are you my God, to hear of my adventures; and how much have you to show me.
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INNER SELF

Stress, anxiety, depression is a state we cannot fully understand, unless we have been there; and even then - what is understanding? We muddle through at best, follow suggestions and formulae in an effort to find something that works. Like a roller coaster, we can see the bend coming up but we cannot prepare for the forces against us as we go through that bend. A recent training course "mental health first aid! was very interesting, particularly as a close friend is going through this.

We journeyed together to church the other week, a big step for her; avoiding people and questions. Well meaning folk, pleased to see her and wanting to encourage. The early service was a good option, familiar in its ways and unlikely to have any surprises; tea & coffee is provided between the services for the comings and goings. At the final blessing I whispered to her "fancy a coffee"; "I think I'll just go straight home".

As we left we bumped into a lady just arriving, she asked the time of the next service and we suggested she went int the hall for a coffee first.
Sitting in the car we could see the lady, walking around the perimeter looking at the hall; she then sat on the wall, waiting.

Thats when it happened; my friend reached into who she is, a caring person that understands feelings. "Tell her, if she wants to go for a coffee, I will go with her" and that's what we did.

Note to morning office: help me to know me and work out of who I am.
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Taken advantage

October already; and the clocks are adjusted to to give a little more light in the evening, albeit for a short while. All this year I have been promising myself a keep fit programme, a personal exercise routine. It has not materialised and only occasionally have I attempted press-ups and physical jerks. Only today on the radio we were reminded about the winter months and a feeling of, needing to stay in bed (oh that it was possible)! Evidently we need to Up our physical exercise to combat the lethargy caused by short daylight hours. Perhaps I should re-think my fitness strategy to help me through these winter months; we are assured that within 1-2 weeks we will feel a benefit in our alertness and motivation.

I disappear often enough from the friary so I really ought to focus my exercise time within the friary boundaries, but where? and would a jogging suit and trainers help? I doubt if there is a suitable book in our library so I ought to call into the local library, or talk to those nice people at the wellbeing centre; this is all getting very scary. Brother Timothy may be interested in joining me, we could do this together and encourage each other. Maybe by March I will have a programme sorted out. It seems life fills up with so many things and those that are important float to the top of the bucket and spill over the edge.

Arthur is a kind old gentleman (widower) who lives close by, I was walking back from the village yesterday when I saw him coming up the hill, the wind was against him as he stumbled and regained his balance leaning against the wall of the terraced houses. I moved quickly towards him and asked if he was alright, "I'm jiggered" he said. As I spoke to him he recognised me and I suggested we walked back to his house together. "No, I will be alright - I just need a few things from the shop". Suggestions of my going to the shop for him or taking him in the car brought the same answer. "No, I might take advantage of you". What do you do, it was very windy and Arthur is frail, seeing him fall in the street did not bare thinking of, yet he was insistent; what do you do?

I understand a persons independence and also when they come to a stage of frailty, it was so hard to let him go on. Back at the friary I busied myself with simple chores within sight of the road, watching for Arthur's return; he told me, the wind will be behind me on my way back, and he was right. I walked out to meet him and saw him to his door reminding him of our help when he needs us. He looked much better than earlier and said he fancied a cup of tea.

Note to evening office: Is it wrong to be taken advantage of?
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Window gazing

Early hours here at the friary and my body is saying sleep yet my head is buzzing with all sorts of junk (bit like satellites orbiting our world). The cat is on the prowl and has been in to let me know, he has a habit of stretching out and digging his claws into me, guess I'll go down and put some biscuit in his bowl. The weather is very calm tonight and I can see clouds brewing, the wind has shifted slightly and I would not be surprised to see more heavy rain. Feel this is going to be a short note at least to pass on my latest news. I have managed to start a "Blog" (with a little help from brother Micheal).


What is a Blog? I guess it is a website of sorts / a journal of writings / pictures / links to others and you get to leave comments if you wish. So I have backed up my blithering so far and included some of my photo's. I guess the next thing to consider is; do I continue sending emails or would you prefer to look at the blogspot occasionally? This got me thinking about relationships and how they tend to fade when your not around each other. I went to a family function recently and cousins, nephews and nieces were all saying, why do we have to wait for weddings and funerals to see each other; we should meet at least twice a year for no reason at all. Then we leave - until next time. Awaiting your feedback on the question mark...

Windows are interesting things and I often find myself taking photo's through windows; looking at the view, but limiting it by the window frame. You can change the view depending where you stand or, crouch down to see only sky. The closer you stand to the window the more you see. Life experiences affect us in different ways, sometimes we retreat back from the window perhaps so we can't be seen or that we can't deal (at present) with what life is throwing at us. Other times we are right there up front and taking in all the richness of life and the window is no longer part of the picture. But the window does exist and it's ok to pull back, take stock. Mmm, worth a little more thought on that one, must go an feed that cat.
Note to evening office: remember to draw the blinds, sun wakes me up too early these mornings.

8 July

Measuring Growth

Late again, thanks for being patient. The weekend took me away (as it were) and I found myself staying only an hour or so from the friary. Yes it was good to be away, if only for a short while. The humble abode (a haven of rest) was a small timber based structure close to river and woodland and I was able to take in some of the scenery. Around 8.30pm I was treated to the sight of four curlews screeching and soaring; Wow! what a feeling , curlews have to be a special favorite of mine and to see four was just amazing.

On to something more basic, the bathroom in this small habitat brought back memories from over 50-years; the smell was just like that of my Aunt Agnes's bathroom, I sometimes stayed with her when I was a child. Perhaps it was the wooden structure, you see Agnes and Bill lived in (what used to be) a WWII hut converted into a very nice bungalow. Tongue and groove wood paneling throughout the house, in fact I remember with my index fingers I could touch both walls of the long passage that ran from the kitchen to the lounge. It made a great sound as I ran from one end to the other (we darn't do it when Aunt Agnes was about). How strange how our senses can transport us back so quickly.

Back at the friary a little mopping up was in order as the continuous rain found its way through our old roof, Jim the local handy man is on his way, or so his wife keeps telling us. He does a good job and will be worth the wait and the forecast is a little better.

It will be five years since we planted the silver birch as a small sapling; I have watched its growth from the kitchen window. From my line of sight it was easy to plot its progress against fences and a building just across from us. It has now (by my line of sight) reached the roof top. There is nothing now to compare the hight of the tree or monitor its growth, what am I going to do? How important was it for me to monitor its growth so far? It didn't help the tree one bit, it managed quite well without me and I am sure it will go on long after I am gone. Children grow up fast, from crawling to toddling - walking to running and before long you are talking face to face. I remember a silver birch in our garden many years ago, this one was good for climbing and I managed to get a rope over one of its branches to make a swing. I got to know the silver birch, the leaves were a delicate shade of green and the bark seemed to be wrapped around the trunk and splitting, curling off, silver. From curlews to silver birches and aunt Agnes's wooden bungalow, just some of my favourite memories.
Note to memo pad: - Not to measure growth, but to appreciate it.

1 July

Time out

Late evening at the priory and once again all is at peace; the weekend has been little different than any other, busy with visitors, a couple of trips into town and a game of chess with brother Cyril. I have been helping out in the library this week and ended up feeling depressed. The number of books I have come across that I have meant to read and never got round to, if that wasn't bad enough I then punished myself by saying - when are you going to read them? Time, there is never enough. Have you seen the new advert for Internet on your mobile phone? The song is "April showers" and it is raining clocks (at least clock components / springs and cogs) as if buying this mobile phone gives you power over time; very clever, the advert seems in slow motion too. This must be one of our greatest desires, to control time or at least rewind or stop for a while (to hold the pendulum).

There was a little boy on the beach with his father and it was the time of year when the tide goes far out. "Where is the sea Dad"? asks the boy, "it's out at the moment" replies the father "but it will be back in a while". Always with one more question, "Dad, why has the sea gone out"? the father thought for a moment and said "so it could come back, unless something goes, how can it come back again"? "Can I have an ice cream Dad"?

Amidst a busy life, demands on time, commitments and self-expectations; unless we go out - how can we come back again. Like the tide, we need to go out and view things from a different angle - we need to be in a different place. There is a rhythm to the tide as there is a rhythm to our breathing, to the ticking of a clock, to a heartbeat. It should be no surprise to us that we Build in - Time out. But we don't (or at least I don't as much as I should).
Memo to busy notepad, leave a page blank, find a space each day - someone else may want to write on it.

I must apologise for the email about Age; I have had some comments back about the guy who wrote it and looking at his web site he is a little on the strange side, not for Sunday afternoon reading. Fr Alan in New Zealand sent me that one (in future I must check them out before I send them on). I sometimes worry about my age, this week I have found myself talking to the cat. The library door has been open most of the time while I was working and of course the cat found its way to the cosy chair. Mutterings of disapproval finding many books out of sequence and reciting some of Wordsworth's poetry (couldn't resist) I think he enjoyed it! Well its a clear night tonight and very little breeze, I guess this time of day for me is my time out. I need to value it and maximise its benefits. I'm just remembering, last year we had a couple of owls but I have not heard them at all this year, I wonder what has became of them?

24 June

Weather forecast

Perhaps it's the change in the weather, but things have felt different around the friary of late. Now I know it may be the holiday blues, having not been back that long and now brother Timothy has the photos printed he is buzzing about it all and is planning his next trip.
We have noted a few points on the guttering that need attention and a whole strip near the back door looks like its need of replacing and when the wind and rain really drives in from the north we get leaks in the garage where the extension meets the old part of the building. What a dull start to my weekly dialogue and how easily we reflect the weather.

I feel like Eyore from the story of Hundred acre wood (all doom and gloom), I need to go and find Poo bear who always has something positive to say. Don't think I could cope with either Tigger or Rabbit they are seriously off the scale (though they do make me laugh). So who is your little ray of sunshine when the clouds are gathering? some words of wisdom from Poo maybe all that is needed. I have a small friend who is larger than life itself and if I told you he has spiky hair, you would be assuming all the wrong things. He's not a punk or a chav (though I do see him in hoodies) he is creative but not a hippy and I have never seen him high on anything but life. You know, just thinking of him lifts my spirits; cheers Buddy!

The rain has eased of and the birds seem louder than ever, I have a small window open and can hear them down the garden towards the orchard and across to a nearby farm, a few cars in the distance merge into the background. Trying to pick out the individual birds, blackbirds are easy, some finches and we have a song thrush. They call to each other and seem to take turns, the overall effect is just amazing - I reach for my Ipod and then change my mind. Oh yes, brother David now has an Ipod with songs from Simon & Garfunkel to Madame Butterfly, I swapped the whiter headphones for less conspicuous ones to hide under my habit. Perhaps I will record some of the bird song from the orchard.

I guess I could describe my self at the moment as a little changeable (like the weather), from tranquil times to some of great stress and concern and most of the time its all about fitting in with others. This monastic lark is great, I first thought about solitude and long periods of contemplation, working in the garden, reading and contributing to some literary work.
I imagined the life of a hermit - and then they thrust us into community (great)! But really, it is not all gloom. There are many of us on the same journey and some of us get to travel on the same bus for a while (others get on and off at different stages).
Note to memo pad: Must get off and see Buddy next week.

17 June

Value - Friends

Brother Cyril and I seem to have been in and out of each others company a lot recently, there was an event that we were all invited to and parties are not quite my thing; so I stuck with Br Cyril and whiled away the time. Thinking about this afterwards, I was using poor Cyril as a hiding place to avoid the chatter. I do get a little awkward when people greet me and I am desperately trying to remember their names - who they are and where I last met them. I have frequently been corrected e.g. "No, that will be Mary, she was a Jones before she was married and her sister is Anne". Of course a couple of glasses of wine numbs the brain and tends to make things worse. Cyril however smiles and chats away about all and sundry, folk tend to flow with him and laugh a lot. Many years ago Cyril would be regarded as the fool, so why is it that I now feel the foolish one? Being in Cyril's company was a blessing, I probably met more people and learned a little more as I was able to listen while others were chatting, nodding in what I hoped were the right places. Cyril nodded off in the car on the way home, Michael was driving of course enabling the rest of us to enjoy a drink - a most enjoyable evening, but I was glad to be back in my own room.

A dear friend of mine called to see me the other day and we went for a walk. She shared how things were getting too much at work and this was affecting her relationships, friends and family. As so often when these situations are shared, we feel the pain and suffering that they are going through - we feel helpless because in reality, what can we do. To say I will pray for you is indeed helpful but I need to Do something that Will make a difference - yet I am at a loss. But you know there is something that can make a tremendous difference I thought. To Value this person, to Appreciate and enable them to feel special. Approve of them and encourage them and to be there at times when they least expect.

Time is getting on and the rest of the friary is in darkness, I did hear someone in the kitchen earlier clattering around. I think I will take a hot drink up with me. It is around this time I go through many mental checks, has someone put the cat out or is he curled up in the library (there is a soft armchair he quite likes) - is everything set out in the chapel for morning and who is on breakfast duty (if it had been me, Michael would have reminded me earlier). I do like this time of night, when everyone else is in bed and settled - then I can settle my head and take my rest.
Memo to notepad - Call my friend and find something to say to make her feel special.

10 June

Distant Shores

Well it is nice to be back and how the trees have filled out and the richness of colour. The Mediterranean has a different beauty, which for me is wonderful to visit, explore and soak up the atmosphere (not to mention the sun). Spending a few weeks with Brother Timothy was a blessing, he asked so many questions and marveled at the sights. Timothy operates in a different time and space; I tend to move around at a gentle - constant pace whereas Timothy is racing from one sight to the next; he sleeps soundly and I am up and down 2-3 times a night.

I did manage to escape a number of times and found my own space. Early one morning I took myself off for a walk along the coastline, a rough track wide enough for one vehicle, which led to the harbour. Looking out to sea I imagined St Paul approaching in a small fishing boat; no doubt he hitched lifts all the time? I am sure the rocks at the shore-line and for some distance in, have not changed in many years and Paul would still recognise the land. We need to travel in to see the changes and still in the midst of the new is the old; the foundation walls, pillars and drainage systems.
Applied to ourselves we need to reverse this completely, how we are on the outside - our dress and how we appear is ever changing. When we travel in we find our foundation stones, pillars and a touching place where the sea meets the shore.

Calling at a bakery I picked up some pastry's, a bottle of water and rested at a 4th century site within which was an active church. It was good to be out of the habit and looking more like a tourist. It is interesting how people are drawn to these old sites, where little changes throughout time. I sat for a while and watched the cats that live there. When the workmen have finished and the tourists have gone; the sun has left the sky for another day, the cats will still be there.

This area is well known for its leather goods and over time I began to think about buying a new pair of sandals. The problem was, I was not sure whether I would be comfortable in a new pair, and these old ones were now moulded to my feet and were as a part of me as my fingers and toes. Perhaps (I thought) if I get a pair and hang on to the old ones just in case, that would be sensible. On the other hand I have had these old things for a good few years. I quickly converted the money and thought £24 seamed a lot for a pair of sandals but in their money it seemed a lot cheaper - so I bought them. On returning back to the apartment I paused at the side entrance, took off my old sandals and dropped them into the bin - there I thought, it's done. I was quite surprised to find just how comfortable my new sandals are.

Office, while I was away seemed to take much less time than at home and I puzzled over this. Was I skipping some, or rushing through without giving time to devotion? I think it was being away and in a different setting, I was more relaxed and did not have my mind on "friary stuff"; that I was able to pray through the office effectively. It felt good.
Note to memo pad :- enter in to a right frame of mind before opening the office. (each day is a holiday).

11 May

Tasks v Time

Yes its Friday (not Sunday my usual) but I thought I would get this off now, as the weekend is looking frantic. Only a week to go before we fly and I said I would take Brother Timothy shopping for a few essentials. His passport arrived eventually much to my relief and things seem to be coming together. However, feeling quite tired at the moment but I am sure it is just the rushing around dealing with things before we go. Then there will be much to do when I get back – listen to me, I think I ought to delete that last line it doesn’t show me in very good light…. How would life be if we could delete something we had just said; you know, when you realise you have just put your big foot in it! Perhaps someone will invent a device to cover that.

During my ministry I have been involved with young people on drugs, they taught me a lot and one thing I remember was they used to get flashbacks after taking a drug; sometimes next day. Well, I can assure you I have not knowingly been inhaling anything illegal; however I have for some time now been experiencing flashbacks (I put it down to age). I may be walking, driving or about my usual duties when I catch a sense of something in my past – a memory. These are always good memories, which pull me into a sense of well-being and contentment; recalling family, friends, places and events. I am getting used to it (though it doesn’t happen all the time). It may just be the particular colour or shape of a tree, the wind blowing across a field of moderately long grass, looking more like waves at sea. Part of my family has a farming background and much of my childhood was spent in the countryside. Perhaps some eminent psychologist could give a detailed explanation?

Brother Cyril caught me today, he was looking for a fax machine; goodness knows what he was going to do with it, said he wanted to copy some documents (can you do that)? We headed off to the old attic and blew some dust off a Sharp ZX something; Cyril has loads of odds and bobs in his room I guess a fax machine would not be out of place. He is a gentle eccentric man but at times in conversation comes out with some profound things. I often get trapped by Cyril and drawn into whatever world he is visiting that day, I really don’t mind but it is frustrating as I don’t get done the things I want to. I seem to be both Mary and Martha in their meeting with Jesus one preferring to sit and listen to what the Lord had to say and the other busy in hospitality tasks.

Evening office: (note to diary) Lord, help me to see the value (equally) in time spent with others, and in tasks.

29th April

Distant memories - alarm bell

Life seems somewhat hectic at the moment, the more tasks I seem to complete, the more there are. The friary feels different - can't put my finger on what! I could tell things were mounting up when I went to bed the other night; I lay awake for some time and found myself imagining I was at my granny's house. This is somewhere in my past I can retreat to when things are getting tough. Listening to the wind in the trees - there is no sound quite like it, in no time I was sound asleep.

Next morning the temptation was to get stuck into the many chores of the day but remembering my visit last night, thought I ought to address the need (reduce the stress). It really is wrong not to recognise and act upon these simple messages or prompts. I could of course dump some of the work on Brother Cyril, he is happy to plod away at simple tasks but I can't see anything that would suit him. Brother Michael is more capable but would insist in going the long way round everything - it would become a major project; no there is only one thing for it, I will have to get on and do it myself. I will ask Brother Timothy for some prayer support and talk things through with him (he is a good sounding board and just listens and nods). I felt better already and strode off with purpose.

No matter how many times I go through this process, I still get caught out (imprisoned) by stress. My car has a red line on the rev counter to let me know when I need to shift gear, if I had a similar device relating to stress on my wrist, would I take notice of it? Why do I always think I know best?

IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING PROBLEMS, PLEASE CONSULT THE MANUFACTURER.

A bit like an error message on a PC, I really must take notice sooner.

Being aware of how we are, how we feel and how we react is a good measure of how we are. Jesus said "I come to bring you life, and life to the full" He does not expect you to be a super hero and save the world before tea time. Focus on being aware of who we are, how we are and the rest will follow.
Morning office today - Lord help me to practice what I preach; Amen.